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Zumba is not for tall, white girls.

lesmills view time 2018-01-12 10:33

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Someone once called me the "skinniest fat person" they know.  
"What do you mean?"  I ask curiously.  It kind of sounds like a compliment, but I have to make sure.....
"Well"  the man answered "You barely work out, you love to eat junk food, but you're really skinny".
I smile and tip my head downwards.  This is TOTALLY a compliment.
"Thanks, that's so sweet!"
"That wasn't a compliment"  he says.
"Whaa???"
"You SHOULD work out.  And you SHOULDN'T eat junk food".
"Hahaha!  You're hilarious!"  I laugh and walk away.  That guy was funny!
 
So I'm sitting at the Y the other day sipping my coffee, when the Zumba instructor (or Zumba lady as I like to call her) walks by me.
I look up at her and quickly look away, like I didn't see her.
"LEEOOOOO!!!"  she says in an angry voice.
"Oh hey!  I didn't see you there!  How's it goin?  How's ....zumba?"
"Leo!  You haven't been to class in forever!  Why??"
"Ummm.......I'm really busy right now".
She looks down at my coffee and then my cell phone......I'm in the middle of playing Candy Crush.  Goddamit!   Why couldn't I have flipped the phone over???  
She rolls her eyes.
"Leo.  You have to come to class!  When was the last time you worked out???"
"Ummm........I parked really far at Zehrs the other day and I didn't use a grocery cart soooo......"
"Leo.  My next class is Thursday.  I want you there!  No excuses"
"But...??"
"NO BUTS!  Thursday!  OK??!!"
 
She didn't even wait for my answer.  That was kind of rude!  She struts off in her tiny little zumba outfit.  With her bright little Zumba shoes.  And her tight little Zumba ponytail.  Argh.  Why is everything zumba so friggin' perfect??!!!
 
So the following Thursday I show up to zumba class in my workout outfit.  It's not really a workout outfit.  It's more like what I would wear to clean the house......a tank top and leggings.  It'll do.  
 
I walk into class and immediately all of my YMCA friends run over to hug me.
"You MADE IT!!  Omg!!  You NEVER come to clas....."
"SHHHHH!!!!!!"  I yell back.  "Jesus guys!  Shut up!!  I don't want to draw attention to myself.  I might skip out early!  I'm hoping Zumba lady doesn't see m........"
"LEO!!  SO GOOD TO SEE YOU!!!  COME AND JOIN ME IN THE FRONT!!"
Crap.
 
So the class begins.  Ricky Martin starts blaring on the stereo. "Livin' la vida locaaaaa"......
Well, at least I can dream of Ricky without a shirt on as I attempt these God-forsaken moves.
 
The first step isn't so bad.  I'm actually impressed with myself.  Second move.....ok, it's getting a little trickier.  Was it kick, side-step, cha-cha?  or cha-cha, sway, kick??  Oh brother.
 
Half-way through the class, I'm sweating more than I've ever sweat before.  I believe I have created new sweat glands.  How are my fingers sweating??
 
At one point, I throw my hands up in the air and give up on the move altogether.  This is impossible!!  What am I doing here?
 
And then I do what a tall, white girl should NEVER do in Zumba class.  
I glance over at the mirror.
It happens in slow motion.
I do a cha-cha, swivel, throw-back.......and then as my head is swinging back, I look at my reflection.
GASP!!!!
That's not me is it????
I see the most awkward woman ever staring back at me.  She is 5 foot 10 and looks like a new-born giraffe trying to walk for the first time.  And now it's like a car crash.  I can't look away!  I am staring at myself the entire remainder of the class.  Who let me in here???  And why am I being allowed to continue??    
 
Suddenly, I realize the music has stopped.  Ricky??  
I look around.......the whole class is staring at me.  Apparently I've been dancing with myself for the past 2 minutes.
Zumba lady is shaking her head in pure disappointment.  I've let Zumba lady down.  
I've never felt so sick to my stomach. 
I think I'm going to vomit.
 
 
1 week later:
 
 Zumba lady walks by me in the foyer at the Y.  I look up.  She smiles awkwardly.  I smile awkwardly back.  She keeps walking.  I keep drinking my coffee and playing Candy Crush.  
It's better this way.
 
Tall, white girls should NOT do Zumba. 
 

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